


Fred's Bedtime Story

by heiressofanor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Babysitting, Bedtime Stories, Children, Disney References, Fairy Tale Retellings, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Misc Book References, Misc Movie References, Pre-Deathly Hallows, Storytelling, Twins, Uncle Fred, go to sleep already!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-28 12:19:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6328912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heiressofanor/pseuds/heiressofanor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>George Weasley and his fiancée Mary Evans-Potter (Harry's older by two-minutes twin sister) feel that they deserve and nice, quiet night out together-alone. Disregarding Mrs. Weasley's advice, the young couple decides to leave their young, impressionable month-old infant twins with Fred Weasley. This is what happens when Fred has to put GJ and Gwyn Weasley to bed all by his onesies. Poor kids, they never stood a chance, what with Mary and George as parents and with Fred and George as primary guardians for basically the entire first year of their lives. George II and Guinevere Weasley never stood a chance. Hehe. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fred's Bedtime Story

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING HERE! I'm just a poor college student in the process of searching for a job; I own pretty much nothing at this point in time. I don't own Harry Potter, Monty Python, Spiderman, or anything Disney. Basically, if you recognize it, then I don't own it. Kinda sucks when you really think about it, huh?
> 
> Note: This is what you get when you're horribly jetlagged, running on next to no sleep, pumped full of caffeine and sugar, and with your best friend/parter in crime whom you haven't seen in months. Thanks to my bff LunarPhoenix13 (fanfiction.net) for joining in the insanely random randomness that is Fred's Bedtime Story.
> 
> Setting: Takes place the summer between the trio's 6th and 7th years-before anything from Deathly Hallows happens.
> 
> Spoilers: Not really, no. It's before all that DH stuff, and it really doesn't mention anything from books 1-6. This can pretty much stand on its own.
> 
> Originally posted on fanfiction.net under my same penname.
> 
> ~ Please Read and Comment. NO FLAMES PLEASE! ~

                “Once upon a time there were three little pigs named Hocus, Pocus, and Schmocus.  One day they ran away to the Big Bad Forest and then they were attacked by the Big Bad Beaver.  And he huffed and he puffed and he ate all their stew.  And then he chewed down all their trees with his nasty, sharp, pointy teeth,” Fred did the hand motion from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  “And then they became friends and they all went out to dinner.  Until the Big Bad Porcupine attacked.  And he huffed and he puffed and he stuck ‘em with quills.  And the little pigs and the beaver were quite sore after this.  So they all went down to Auntie Fox’s for one of her famous cure-alls.  And Auntie Fox gave the three—er, I mean _four_ —of them a big bowl of her chicken soup.  This made them feel full and warm and toasty inside, but it didn’t do much to help the throbbing pain in their backsides.  So they all went down to the ocean to visit Doc Oct, only to find that he was actually a character from Spiderman, not to mention that he was a _villain_ from  Spiderman and not even a character in this story. 

“So, after their long and lengthy trek Mr. Beaver decided to invite them to his dam for dinner…supper… whatever.  When they got there, Mr. Beaver’s wife Mrs. Beaver cooked them a dinner of fish and bread.  And tea.  Lots of tea, because they were English beavers, like us…except that we’re not beavers.  So while the three little pigs were eating dinner with the beavers, Mr. Beaver proceeded to tell them about a prophecy that they would save Narnia from eternal winter…Except they weren’t in Narnia and they didn’t even know what Narnia _was_.  And that’s not even part of the story anyway.

                “So then the three little pigs, ditching Mr. Beaver and his wife, headed into a jungle.  How a jungle got there, I’ll never know, but I digress.  Anywho, while they were in the jungle, they happened upon a party of dancing bears and monkeys singing “I wanna be like you-oo-oo.”  And they came to realize that this too was the wrong story, as it was Disney’s The Jungle Book and not whatever the heck story I’m telling you right now.

                “So then the three little pigs left the jungle and headed into a desert.  As they were walking through this dry and desolate land with little water—as they had brought none themselves—they suddenly heard a loud whooshing noise.  And songs coming out of nowhere.  They looked up and they saw a magic carpet.  Flying.  In the sky.  With a prince and princess sitting, singing about a whole new world and knockin’ the nose off the Sphinx.  But, once again, this was _also_ the wrong story.  I am not telling you Disney’s  Aladdin, I’m telling…whatever story I’m telling.

                “So the three little pigs started to leave the desert when they heard a loud ‘vroom’ sound much like a car.  In the sky.  Seeing as they were not cats and not afraid of curiosity killing them, they looked up.  In the sky they saw a small, red spaceship with a little blue alien inside.  The little alien proceeded to say something in his weird little alien language to the princess on the magic carpet that was right beside the ship.  Then the princess climbed into the spaceship with the little blue alien, leaving the prince looking dejected and a little put out.  But once again, children, this is the wrong story.  It is a promo for Disney’s upcoming movie Lilo and Stitch.  Which is actually already out, but that’s beside the point.

                “Anyway, dear children, the little piggies left the desert and wandered up to a little gingerbread cottage.  Inside they found an evil witch who wanted to eat them, so they ran far and fast. 

“Suddenly they found themselves on a ship in the middle of the ocean.  On that ship was a crazy, permanently drunk pirate named _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.  He was dancing around the boat, holding a jar of dirt, and singing ‘I’ve got a jar of di-rt, I’ve got a jar of di-rt,’ over and over again.  But, dear kiddies, this is also the wrong story.  This is Disney’s  Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest which is not the story I’m telling you, so I don’t know why I’m telling you…it.

“So then in flies Peter Pan and Tinker Bell to take the three little piggies off to Never Never Land—and are you kiddies asleep yet?

“Okay, so then the handsome prince kissed the beautiful princess and they got married and they lived happily ever after.  The End.”


End file.
